Yet again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into an emergency situation, therefore I am announcing the champions for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one early week. The announcement that is late 12 months had been considered to be hampering comfort efforts both in Bosnia therefore the Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative events became grumpy while waiting for term from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, our category that is first is.
Best Airhead Sex movie Turnaround, a jungle-sex that is erotic about an unemployed actress whom daydreams about consuming hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and achieving crazy intercourse like they do in paperback novels. She gets her possibility whenever she actually is chased by masked gunmen towards the Costa Rican valley regarding the white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
Most useful Director The runners-up are. Kim Henkel, Return associated with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jack Perez, America’s Deadliest Residence Movie. Fred Olen Ray, Attack regarding the 60-Foot Centerfold. Anthony Waller, Mute Witness. Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Can’t Fly. As well as the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.
Most readily useful Sci-Fi Flick Cyberstalker: fundamental Instinct fulfills Tron in Newt Gingrich’s worst nightmare, the tale of the nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who really really really loves her computer a great deal she’s got intercourse along with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn’t always have the appropriate respect for great pc pc software.
Most readily useful Actor The runners-up are. Danny Bonaduce, America’s Deadliest Residence movie, whilst the movie nerd whom falls in deep love with the weapon moll for a cross-country killing spree.
Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as being a motorcycle-riding lone wolf who talks Japanese and knows the feelings of killer ninjas, and so the police chief brings him away from your your retirement and turns him loose with a few attack tools in a cemetery packed with medication goons.
In addition to champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception, once the artist that is haunted by nekkid ladies who can not realize why he gets a great deal intercourse in one single film; and Street Angels, due to the fact wisecracking cop who makes long speeches in regards to the fighting abilities of fish.
Most readily useful Actress The runners-up are. Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, once the junk-food-eating redhead whom describes her old boyfriend by saying, “we like pets. “
Kathy Shower, Married People, solitary Intercourse 2: For Better or more serious, because the neglected wife packing up all her stuff, placing the children within the section wagon, and having far from the lying scumball that is no-good’s hitched to.
Together with champion is. Steen, Turnaround, given that oversexed blonde who daydreams about visiting Costa Rica, drinking some strange jungle medications, and having sex to a nekkid Indian while he finger-paints all over her body–but settles for hot intercourse with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
Breast Actress The runners-up are. Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, due to the fact mysterious gf whom wears a micromini and high heel pumps for the movie, like the scenes where she xlovecam actually is being chased by mobsters with automated tools.
Lissa Boyle, buddy associated with Family, because the hot-to-trot child known at the twelfth grade as a United Method Agency; and Intimate Deception, whilst the knockout nude model who really loves her work, saying, “we have a look at myself as an important ingredient into the art of creation. “
Theresa Morris, personal classes: Another Story, the hot small celebration woman whom simply keeps dancing away onto the roof for the stylish Southern Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle right in front of the neon indication.
J.J. North, Attack associated with the 60-Foot Centerfold, within the name part, for saying, “Help me personally, i am huge! ” and, “I’m a big girl–i can look after myself. “
And also the champion is. Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for “guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that turn out to be your preference that is downfall”–a that somehow associated with her memories of bodysurfing with her daddy.
“Water has long been a tremendously healing thing for me personally, ” she states, prior to a hunk walks out from the surf and begins kissing every inches of her hula-skirted bod.
This might be prior to the sci-fi dream where she dresses such as for instance a hooker, dials within the perfect man as well as the perfect girl on the computer, then waits into a sandwich for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her.
Most readily useful Shauna that is femme-Fatale O’Brien buddy associated with the Family, while the walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell 1 day, presents by herself towards the stepmom as a classic buddy of a pal, and ultimately ends up set up into the visitor home, where she’s got intercourse with everybody else within the family members.
Most Breasts Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
Most useful Movie The runners-up are. Attack associated with 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic featuring J.J. North since the ditzy blonde whom takes just a couple a lot of breast-enhancement medications and ultimately ends up stomping around Malibu such as the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit problem.
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Return associated with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the initial decent sequel to your drive-in movie that is greatest ever made, about two prom-night couples whom have lost down on the road, in which a creepy redneck called W.E. Roams around in a satanic wrecker, gathering systems and quoting literature and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.
And also the champion is. America’s Deadliest Residence movie, the movie that is finest ever produced in Racine, Wisconsin, featuring Danny Bonaduce as being a nerdy spouse in deep love with their camcorder whom ultimately ends up operating through the legislation with three convenience-store experts who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
Spinal Tap satisfies Natural Born Killers. Once more, we’d no overlap with all the other honors utilizing the expressed word”Academy” within the name (copyright suit pending).
C. 1996 Joe Bob Briggs (written by NYT Unique Features)